The Disappointments

"I can't father children." This is something my husband revealed to me while we were dating. I couldn't have been happier...or at least I thought. Last week I had surgery which took the ability for me to ever have a child. That decision came with a lot of tears, anger, and loss. After my husband and I were married, God placed this crazy desire for me to want to have a child - something I never wanted. I come from a large family, the only girl and the oldest made me the "second mom" to my 6 brothers, 1 of whom was completely disabled and required total care from my parents. I had to grow up pretty quick and I was happy with the news I wouldn't have to worry about an "unexpected surprise". As our first months of marriage rolled on, I secretly would hope for that surprise and every month that secret desire was etched in disappointment. Fast forward 14 months after marriage, an unexpected surprise - but not how I would have ever expected. A call from my mom, a visit from a young lady caring for a relative's preemie, and a decision that would make all those months of disappointments go from ashes to beauty.

My baby turns 17

There is so much more to her story with us but that is for another day. Back to about a week ago before having a complete hysterotomy. It would be my 3rd surgery of my female reproductive system, losing my left ovary/tube about 10 years ago and most of the right in 2019 with a lot of endometriosis in between. I was having pain, bleeding that wasn't supposed to be happening. My awesome OBGYN worked with me until all of my options had been exhausted. So under the knife I would go...and I was scared. Why? Because my last surgery the Dr. had to leave a remnant of my ovary as it was attached to my pelvic wall because of the endometriosis, on top of "big red"- the major artery that runs through the body. She didn't want to nick said artery and well you can imagine what happens.

One night God decided to wake me up as I worried my way in and out of sleep. I got up, went into my war room and opened my Bible and there He was - "in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalm 22:5(b) NIV. In that moment God spoke to my heart and reminded me He has NEVER disappointed me even though many times I thought He had. He had me go back through our history together and in those moments of disappointments there were so many things God had given me that were greater. Isaiah says, "They cried to you and were saved: In you they trusted and were not disappointed." Isaiah 46:4-5 NIV. Many times I have cried out to the LORD and He has never disappointed, especially when I thought it was over! I did not get to bear children but I do have a child. We lost our home in the Great Recession of 2008 but we now own that home. My husband lost his job due to his health but we have never gone without.

God has not disappointed because He loves me, He loves you, and He worked through many people in and out of our lives to make what I took as disappointments and turned it into something beautiful. For a believer like myself, I know that God is good, He "works everything for the good of those who love him." Romans 8:28 NIV, but sometimes I just don't see how it is all going to work out. And isn't that the beauty of God in our disappointments, He works it out better than we could have on our own. As I woke from the stupor of anesthetic last week, I inhaled a renewed sense of joy and hope. I wasn't in any pain, I didnt get sick from the anesthetic (which I have a problem with), and I didnt bleed much during surgery or at all after. God was with me and the warriors that were praying for me must have prayed some gigantic prayers because I went home that same day, even though the surgeon was certain I was going to stay overnight. What this latest "disappointment" has shown me is that when I put complete trust in God the disappointment is but a place for Him to show up and show up BIG.

I know life comes with disappointment because we live in a broken world. But if I dwell on that rather than ask the LORD to come into the situation then it will remain a disappointment not a victory. If you're reading this and have trouble with Christianity because things just don't go "you're way"...maybe you should try it God's way. This is something I can absolutely attest to, God has not disappointed in the situations I thought were lost. And if you're a believer having a difficult time, go to His Word remind yourself of the stories of disappointment - Sarah, Hannah, Ruth, Esther, the 12 disciples. Enter His Throne Room and ask for His encouragement. Reach out to those around you, seek prayer, be in prayer and worship. Do not allow the disappointment to overshadow the victories from the past and the victory coming...because OUR GOD DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.

Warrior on!